Reflections of a Slayer
by R J Blackstone
Summary: Buffy sits and thinks of what has happened and what will happen now that she is no longer the only slayer. What is her role in life now and how will she continue on?


Reflections of a Slayer – R J Blackstone

These are the slayers thoughts.

What am I going to do now? I am no longer the one. I use to always be the only slayer out there, now there many of us, sometimes it seems like there are too many to count. I was always the chose one before and if there are so many slayers now what makes me so special that I should even be chosen to be their leader. I don't even want to be their leader, what makes me so special. There has to be someone who would be better for the job than me, I never asked for any of this at all. How could have I ever risked so many great lives? How is it all going to work now that there are so many of us? Will everything be easier? Can I make relationships work now?

When my slayer life first started I was young. I use to be a cheerleader and I had a lot of friends, I was actually really popular. I think I had a good chance at being prom queen. Everything changed when I gained the responsibility of the slayer, besides nobody wanted to be friends with the girl that always came to school with bruises and then hung out with the school librarian way too much. I wouldn't give it back for the world though. I have gained friends through it that would give their life for me, its not that I regret: as a amatter of fact I really don't know what it is that I do regret. Other than the fact that I never asked for any of the shit, I was just chosen by some power that somehow has the right to make those types of decisions that will change someone's life forever and they don't even have the common courtesy to ask the person affected how they feel about it. Everyone's life has changed based on decisions and actions that I have made. Everything I did would affect so many people. They say the slayer fights alone but without my friends I would have never been able to get as far as I did.

Willow is my best friend. No one will ever be like her and what she meant to me as a friend as well as what she meant to those around us. When I met her she was just a computer nerd who dabbled in witchcraft without any of the seriousness and life worries that she experiences today. You could say that Willow has become the most powerful being on the planet; she almost destroyed the world even. Without her though I would have never been able to get where I am today, she was always there when I needed her and never really judged me either. I'm not sure what exactly turned her into a gay woman but I don't care as long as she's happy. Being with someone is usually what made her happy too. Oz was a great guy and she was so happy with him but it didn't work out. Terra made Willow happier than I had ever seen her in her life but the situation had its definite twists and turns as well. She has been through as much loss as I have. She would have never been through that loss if she wasn't my friend, but I know she would never give all we have been through back, she is one of the best friends that anyone could ever ask for slayer or not.

Giles was a great watcher. He taught me how to handle the power exactly how I needed to be taught. He pushed me so hard that even he's amazed at how far I have gotten. He trained me to become the greatest slayer ever, well at least top ten. Without Giles I wouldn't have lasted through my first year. He was the greatest mentor a girl could ever have. I love him like a father, he was great father figure for me and he treated me like a daughter at time. There were so many times that he protected me from things that I will always owe him so much. He had too much to worry about, I wanted him to find and love and be happy so bad but he was always dead set with being responsible and looking after me as his duty as my watcher.

My mother was amazing. She was a pillar of strength for both me and Dawn. I was constantly afraid that she would get hurt by a demon or a vampire. I should have just put that all aside and enjoyed our time together more without worrying about could happen and should have been more involved with the time we actually had together You never know when someone will be gone forever, especially with the life I live. Ive come to learn that should cherish every moment you have with the ones you love no matter what, I try to apply that with Dawn all the time but I know she doesn't quite get that 

yet. That was probably the biggest lesson I learned from my life as a slayer. I can't worry about everyone all the time. I just have to enjoy our time together and hope it never ends. Now with my mother gone Dawn is my responsibility. I will always give Dawn everything that our mother had to offer. I love her like a sister and like a daughter. If I lost Dawn I don't know if I will ever forgive myself.

Xander's a great guy. I would consider him to be like a big brother to Dawn and me, always looking out for the both of us. He would do anything for me and he doesn't have any powers. That doesn't stop him though; he plows right into the fight and is willing to take on anything from vampires to the Armageddon. Xander will never turn his back on me. He is one of the most loyal people I will ever men and have ever met Hey, at least it has got him some very hot chicks. I know that part at least makes him happy. I mean Cordeilla was a pretty popular girl back in high school, and Anya was a vengeance demon that would bring vengeance on men that hurt their woman. How many guys get to have a powerful woman who used hate all men adore him? Xander has proably led one of the most estranged lives of any man in Sunnydale. Ive had a problem using men like him for my own wishes. Ever since it fell apart with Angel and other loves in my life I don't always think straight when it comes to men so I have a tendency to use them. I try to make excuses for it like I am important person and I don't have time to worry about how they feel but Xander is the type of guy that doesn't deserve to be used.

What is it with me and vampires with a soul? I mean I have trouble with relationships but I probably should considering how far my relationships are from normal. I guess I'm the first slayer to ever date a vampire. I used to think if that would eventually lead to my death, it almost did with Angel. Killing him was the hardest thing that I ever had to do and will ever have to do. No decision will ever compare to the ones that I had to make with Angel. Angel was the love of my life and I will never forget him. I would still be with him if we could solve the whole Angelus problem. So what do I do when I can't have him though? Well I turn to another vampire with a soul. It's really hard for me to tell which love is stronger. Spike got his soul because he believed it's what I wanted. It was like Spike wanted nothing but to make me happy. I love both of them so much.

All of the people in my life are so great. I will always put my life on the line to protect theirs and I know that they will all do the same. I'll figure it out though, I always do. There are more slayers now; all that does is make me stronger. The demons of the world don't stand a chance. Demons used to be scared to death of me, wait to they get a load of this. I think the only thing I'm going to miss is how my name struck fear in to the hearts of all things evil. At least I can always say that I have more experience than the rest of them. I mean hey I got to keep my ego up some how. I will never give up on the fight, the slayers will always win. Its kind of weird saying slayers, I used to be all alone.


End file.
